This coffee shit is GREAT!! Swear to god, up until this year I never drank it. Tried it. Hated it. Too much aftertaste. But now I’ve reinvented myself. I now maintain all friendships and business relationships on-line or over the phone by noon on tuesday. Also, I call everything by the title with the most possible syllables. Because I can. Thanks to coffee, I now have the energy to be thorough and excessive. I can’t believe who I used to be. What I used to be. A zombie. A floater. A drifter. A blinker. A closed for repairs, empty and worn down nipple of a man. Cheating myself out of life. Cheating myself out of the sweet, rich, powerful power that pours hot and steamy from the mouth of the volcano of energized effort and stimulated living. Fuck yeah bring it.
Coffee has changed everything.
I now realize why Starbucks is so successful. I used to wonder why people would pay $4 for something I equivocated to a cup of cocoa. I love hot cocoa. Used to say, “cocoa is way better than coffee”. No it’s not. Coffee is the reason people keep jobs. Coffee is the reason people have jobs. Coffee raises children. Coffee is 20,000 followers on Instagram. Coffee planted a flag on the moon. Coffee should be on our flag. How is coffee not on our flag?! Our flag should be a picture of Columbia, holding a cup of coffee.
Coffee is the reason. Coffee is the game, and the rules for the game, and the game is named coffee… and I’ve been on the sidelines this whole time. Not to mention how much more you can eat if you drink coffee with your meals. I’d pay $40 for coffee. Rather, I’d buy $40 worth of breakfast food just to watch it disappear while I finish off a pot of coffee. I can eat enough to hurt myself. I used to have to sleep a day off if I tried to eat the special + two sides of sausage and my date’s pancakes, but now I just drink another cup of coffee then get a burrito for lunch. That’s right, not only does coffee relax your stomach and speed up your metabolism, it also makes you crave Mexican food. Maybe its just me. None of this is science. Coffee is the best.
Nothing this good can be this easy. There has to be a cost. Nothing so true and innocent will just let you have it. There must be a price. The relationship must be two sided. Coffee gives you life, and you give coffee what it needs. A familiar mug with teflon siding and altitude proof trail top; heart palpitations; the last hour and a half of every work day; the emotional well-being of your least liked office mate; an espresso machine that you have to finance; a couple hobbies; one car accident a year; a TV in the bathroom; your breath.
I’m nervous. From the coffee. But also because I can feel the addiction grabbing hold. I fear that the signal of raw caffeine will soon overpower the pleasure centers in my brain and I wont need the rich flavors of exquisite coffee beans to savor my fix. Soon coffee could be relegated to a mere gateway drug. A predecessor to something terrible. Something for fat children trying to end it. Soon I fear that I might try an energy drink. At a bus stop or wherever you buy them. Holding a tall can of diabetes like it were normal or acceptable in any way. Like a 300 lb 12 year old with negligent parents. Doing the most damage that I can for the least amount of money. Just so I can ratchet up my productivity. Or at least my enthusiasm for not doing a damn thing.
But you know what? It doesn’t have to happen. I’m just gonna drink more coffee. Its so good I’m over-thinking it. Espresso is the answer. If I’m ever tempted buy energy drinks, I’ll just put espresso in my coffee. Which people do. If anyone needs me I’ll be in Brooklyn sitting outside with my laptop or maybe building something.
I’m on the Chicago Underground at The Beat Kitchen @ 930.
The promo we made for “An Evening with Nate Craig” @ The Nerdmelt Showroom TONIGHT 5/16 @ 9pm is on the Home Page @ FUNNY OR DIE today. Chris Fairbanks is on the show. Kate Berlant is on the show. I’ll have a surprise guest on the show. Its gonna be a blast. At least check out the commercial^. If you like Goonies or comedy or me or any combination of those things, you’ll dig it for sure. Big thanks to Robert Buscemi, Erik Charles Nielsen, Johnny Pemberton and Director Jason Martinez for making it happen. Check out these professionals!
This is going to be great. Extremely humbled by the chance to headline this fantastic comedy room. Also thoroughly excited to have Kate Berlant and Chris Fairbanks on the show. More to come… Tickets available HERE!
I was just added to the Funny or Die Oddball Comedy Tour. I’m pretty excited about it. It’s gonna be a super cool show with some of my favorite comedians. Brody Stevens, Howard Kramer and Adam Cayton-Holland are on it. Tickets for this coming tuesday MAY 6th in Irvine CA are available at the Improv website. More to come…
I love sports. A perfect outlet for competitive impulses. Way better than religion or murder. I like to watch them almost as much as I like to play them. I’m way better at watching them. Being an obnoxious fan of an obscure college basketball program has been a part of my life since before I could finish a malt cup. This last week the Wisconsin Badgers went to the final four and I was lucky enough to be there. Such a good time. I bought a hat and met Craig Sager and then my team beat the vaunted Arizona Wildcats to avenge an embarrassing long standing campaign of desert bigotry god bless Dr. Martin Luther King.
In the end we lost to Kentucky. The only state located entirely inside a federal prison where everyone is an amish wigger sired by Conway Twitty. A school that has never graduated a scholarship athlete and is 3.5 games out of the 8th seed in the East. But thats fine because in the landscape of college basketball, the final four is an incredible accomplishment and huge for recruiting. I’m excited to see how Wisconsin’s hall of fame coach Bo Ryan capitalizes on this great run.
With so much going on in the world it is important to find things to help you ignore what is truly important. For that I want to thank the NCAA for their basketball tournament and the Wisconsin Badgers for a terrific season.
Thanks for stopping by. I just posted a recent chunk from the Joke Joint on my video page. Theres recent vids down the front page here as well. Check them out. If you want a copy of “natecraigINFINITY” shoot me an email. firstname.lastname@example.org. Hope you’re doing well and remembering your on-line passwords without trouble.
I’ll be at the Joke Joint. Come out and I’ll tell you how I got electrocuted.
Sunday nights. Check local listings.