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News

Standing Rock Continued

This is a short video of interviews and footage from Standing Rock North Dakota in February of 2017. It’s from the last two days before an evacuation ordered by the Governor. People were on edge and not always interested in doing interviews, but those that were, had incredible insight and lots to say about peaceful protest, crowd control, energy policy and more. I am so grateful for the kindness and hospitality of the Standing Rock tribe, and very much humbled by and appreciative of all the hard work and sacrifice of water protectors over the last year. This was a critical opportunity to discuss several necessary issues that speak to who we are as a people and whether or not we concern ourselves with important things. Eternally grateful to the Dakota and Lakota Nations for showing us what those are. Mni Wiconi. Water is Life. #NoDAPL

 

Posted by natecraig on April 5, 2017 at 2:41 am Leave a response »

My friend Aaron Rodgers

So I’m friends with Aaron Rodgers now. He asked to take another pic. I asked to take the first one but he definitely asked to take the second. I think he just wanted to make sure that we got one worthy of our friendship. Olivia Munn took the photograph, but I declined to take one with her as she has never been named MVP in a Super Bowl. Next time Liv. When you win your first Emmy =)!!!

 

Posted by natecraig on March 16, 2016 at 4:44 pm Leave a response »

Posted by natecraig on February 5, 2016 at 8:47 pm Leave a response »

“Inspired by a true story”

I went to see a movie the other day.  My date and I got there with plenty of time to spare and caught every preview.  In 5 previews, three of the films used the line “Inspired by a true story” towards the end of the trailer.  One of them was about an animal in the desert that runs like a hyena but hunts like a man and likes to kill indiscriminately.  A racially balanced team of scientists voyage into the African wilderness, with nothing but questions. They’re searching for something, but more importantly, they don’t know what they’re doing, and as soon as it becomes a good idea to turn around and stop getting killed, they run out of gas or something like that.  It was “inspired by a true story”.

Actually the true story was probably about how some non-Africans went to Africa, and got torn up in Africa by something indigenous to the continent of Africa.  They might have even been African, and what killed them could’ve been a gun.  Actually they might have not even been killed.  Maybe they ate something that didn’t agree with them and in the movie, getting killed was a metaphor for food poisoning.  And Africa was a metaphor for the condo they rented in Telluride on an Easter weekend ski trip.  They were probably all sexy, but probably not racially balanced.  Maybe there was a black guy there.

Based on a true story is adequately vague.  It attaches the movie to a person or a time or a place or a thing or all four, or any combination of the four.  There’s plenty of room to wiggle away from reality or any fact based set of restrictions that might reign in any sensational or extravagant story lines derived from the original idea.  Inspired by a True Story is so vague its absurd.  What isn’t inspired by a true story?  Any movie that uses this phrase is a guaranteed piece of shit trying to distract you from one of the only entertaining things that it might have to offer; the terrific exaggerations and poetic license of the production company; the lifeblood of crappy-movie making and poor plot twists; mindless crap.  It serves a valuable purpose, if it’s allowed to be crappy.  Now, not only do we not get to attribute these preposterous shit piles to the executives that made and marketed them, but we’re also being asked to imagine endless plausible scenarios that could possibly be sighted as the inspiration for there implausibility.  Nope.  No thanks.  How about, your movie was, inspired by a Bad Idea. Or even a good idea, or a good story.  But then you’d probably be able to use the aforementioned Based on a True Story to describe it.

I think I’m going to make a movie about a team of scientists, that go to Greenland to do research on a type of crane that stops there while flying from Canada to Scandinavia.  But while there, they’re witness to an execution style murder of a wildlife activist by some seal poachers who’ve paid off the local authorities.  Its Inspired by an afternoon I had in college, when my friend Andres and I went over to his friend Crappers’ to do acid and watch him feed his boa constrictor a whole chicken.  His roommate’s girlfriend started freaking out and telling us we shouldn’t feed the chicken to the snake, so Crapper’s roommate broke up with her on the spot.  She started crying and refused to leave.  Then they got back together and we all ate acid.  Three hours later we remembered that we hadn’t fed the snake yet.  We got so excited we put on face paint.  She started crying again.  Then they broke up again and we fed the snake.  It was kind of boring.  She watched the whole thing and didn’t say a word.  Then we bought her a gyro.

The authorities in that story were obviously inspired by the snake.

 

Posted by natecraig on April 2, 2015 at 2:51 pm Leave a response »

Great Piece. Scary stuff.

Check out more from “Last Week w/John Oliver”.

 

Posted by natecraig on October 10, 2014 at 5:28 pm Leave a response »

PRODUCT REVIEW: Coffee

This coffee shit is GREAT!! Swear to god, up until this year I never drank it. Tried it. Hated it. Too much aftertaste. But now I’ve reinvented myself. I now maintain all friendships and business relationships on-line or over the phone by noon on tuesday. Also, I call everything by the title with the most possible syllables. Because I can. Thanks to coffee, I now have the energy to be thorough and excessive. I can’t believe who I used to be. What I used to be. A zombie. A floater. A drifter. A blinker. A closed for repairs, empty and worn down nipple of a man. Cheating myself out of life. Cheating myself out of the sweet, rich, powerful power that pours hot and steamy from the mouth of the volcano of energized effort and stimulated living. Fuck yeah bring it.

Coffee has changed everything.

I now realize why Starbucks is so successful. I used to wonder why people would pay $4 for something I equivocated to a cup of cocoa. I love hot cocoa. Used to say, “cocoa is way better than coffee”. No it’s not. Coffee is the reason people keep jobs. Coffee is the reason people have jobs. Coffee raises children. Coffee is 20,000 followers on Instagram. Coffee planted a flag on the moon. Coffee should be on our flag. How is coffee not on our flag?! Our flag should be a picture of Columbia, holding a cup of coffee.

Coffee is the reason. Coffee is the game, and the rules for the game, and the game is named coffee… and I’ve been on the sidelines this whole time. Not to mention how much more you can eat if you drink coffee with your meals. I’d pay $40 for coffee. Rather, I’d buy $40 worth of breakfast food just to watch it disappear while I finish off a pot of coffee. I can eat enough to hurt myself. I used to have to sleep a day off if I tried to eat the special + two sides of sausage and my date’s pancakes, but now I just drink another cup of coffee then get a burrito for lunch. That’s right, not only does coffee relax your stomach and speed up your metabolism, it also makes you crave Mexican food. Maybe its just me. None of this is science. Coffee is the best.

Nothing this good can be this easy. There has to be a cost. Nothing so true and innocent will just let you have it. There must be a price. The relationship must be two sided. Coffee gives you life, and you give coffee what it needs. A familiar mug with teflon siding and altitude proof trail top; heart palpitations; the last hour and a half of every work day; the emotional well-being of your least liked office mate; an espresso machine that you have to finance; a couple hobbies; one car accident a year; a TV in the bathroom; your breath.

I’m nervous. From the coffee. But also because I can feel the addiction grabbing hold. I fear that the signal of raw caffeine will soon overpower the pleasure centers in my brain and I wont need the rich flavors of exquisite coffee beans to savor my fix. Soon coffee could be relegated to a mere gateway drug. A predecessor to something terrible. Something for fat children trying to end it. Soon I fear that I might try an energy drink. At a bus stop or wherever you buy them. Holding a tall can of diabetes like it were normal or acceptable in any way. Like a 300 lb 12 year old with negligent parents. Doing the most damage that I can for the least amount of money. Just so I can ratchet up my productivity. Or at least my enthusiasm for not doing a damn thing.

But you know what? It doesn’t have to happen. I’m just gonna drink more coffee. Its so good I’m over-thinking it. Espresso is the answer. If I’m ever tempted buy energy drinks, I’ll just put espresso in my coffee. Which people do. If anyone needs me I’ll be in Brooklyn sitting outside with my laptop or maybe building something.

 

Posted by natecraig on October 2, 2014 at 11:13 pm 1 Comment »

The Sports Desert

It’s late June. All redeemable sporting events have dried up. The air is hot. Water is scarce. This year the world cup keeps us alive but for how long? Did USA lose to Namibia yet? After the World Cup it’s nothing but baseball and golf. Not just baseball and golf, but meaningless baseball and meaningless golf.

If baseball were a more manageable season, the games would be more important and maybe we could wring some excitement out of the end of the summer. But no. Major League Baseball insists on a 16 month season with an entire 2 month stretch that exists only to weed out any team that can’t spend $70 million dollars on a bullpen, and sell beer to people acting like bleacher seats aren’t a terrible reason to be hungover on a Wednesday. Baseball needs to get over itself and cut 80 games off its season. The World Series should happen in late August. August needs you baseball! While I’m at it, any team that runs onto the field at any point without throwing a punch is automatically disqualified from the post season. Baseball fights are an embarrassment to everyone in attendance. You’re welcome.

Golf is just dogshit TV. I grew up near a golf course and love to play it, but watching golf on television is for people who have surrendered entirely. Golf in 2D is like watching batting practice. Without kids in the outfield running into each other. I can barely tolerate golf highlights and some people actually follow entire tournaments. To do that I would have to be in a coma, and the remote would still have to be out of arms reach (Note to my family: If I ever drop into a coma, leave golf on in my hospital room). Don’t get me wrong, golf is necessary for the survival of our species. If men didn’t have a 6 hour activity to get them away from their families the term “family man” would be a thing of the past and burning man would be flooded with permanent middle aged residents telling stories about their high school football careers to rock formations and shroomed out twitter interns. Golf courses are where men go to feel like they can still effect the world around them. It mirrors the infinity of the universe. In golf you are the ball. Watch it fly. Be the ball. But on TV that’s lost entirely. Unless you like watching other people’s balls. Which I do not. Not in individual sports.

Eventually the summer winds down and the impending NFL season stares us in the face like a broken “cool zone” sabotaged by a home team janitor. Then the mirage of relief evaporates into countless quarters of unwatchable pre-season football. We watch; as we finish warm forties and conjure visions of late round fantasy draft thievery. Its the longest 4 weeks of the sports year. Starved and tortured, we’re forced to listen to Jon Gruden send 9th string wide receivers to the Hall of Fame. Which can actually be pretty great, but the only alternative is baseball nerds on ESPN (1!) talking about how important August is. Fuck off, Tim Kurkjian nobody cares that you kept score with your Dad.

Then we draft our fantasy teams and the thirst is quenched. For those of us who survived the Sahara, drafting Andrew Luck could not be more of a relief. Never mind that his receiver corp is 3 fullbacks and a kicker. Draft him! NOW! The witch is dead! Baseball has melted and Golf is a flying monkey without a castle to hide in. But until then, be cool everybody. Summer is here. Stash your gatorade and pretend like everything is ok.

 

Posted by natecraig on June 24, 2014 at 1:21 am Leave a response »

Swype Texting > Your iPhone

Debates over the same product with different names is an American tradition. Coke versus Pepsi, Ford versus Chevy, Carl’s JR vs rotten dumpster slop.  We love to disguise our dipshit consumerism as careful life decisions. What fun is buying something if you can’t feel better than the person that bought the other thing? The only difference being that your thing comes in different colors, and you can’t get their thing in the Dakotas on Sundays. Not that preferences aren’t fun, but getting too enthusiastic about the trash you collect in your corner of the world is entirely pointless. Until now.

I own an Android. I’m not going to tell you that your iPhone sucks.  It does not. Its an amazing piece of equipment. But your busted screen is an embarrassment to your family and when the new iPhone comes out every 10 months, Android owners watch and laugh like we came from the future to bet on the Superbowl. But most importantly, we text message in a different time and place.  A time where people aren’t hunched over their screens like they should be haunting a cathedral and a place where texting while driving is slightly less homicidal.

If you don’t know already, swype texting is how modern citizens communicate and make eye contact at the same time. I feel bad for people who use devices made by companies too cowardly to violate Samsung’s patent on the swype text. Their lives seem futile and heavily burdened by accuracy and deliberation. When someone hands me an iPhone and asks me to type something, I feel like a pigeon trying to pick rice out of shag carpeting.  WTF are you people doing to yourselves?  Swype texting is the most amazing invention in the last decade and the swype text bubble will never burst. We should all invest in swype texting. Financially. They should build miles and miles of suburban sprawl out of swype texts so that we can all pool our pension money and invest in it and watch as our net worths sky rocket and never come down and we get rich and fat and text each other about how rich and fat we are while driving in convertibles without even looking at our phones. If you don’t swype text you’re a straight up asshole and you don’t even know it.

If you don’t know about swype texting, you should go to the mac store and ask if being a “genius” requires them to not tell you that it exists. I can only assume that part of the job description for mac genius is blatant obfuscation for the sole purpose of sidestepping the most valuable non-tinder use of a touch screen in history. Probably for sure, because if they did tell you about it, you’d have walked out of that store so fast all the life coaches in the google glass tutorial would have gotten tangled in each others pony tails.

The world isn’t fair and it certainly isn’t honest. So it makes sense that some would get swept up in a lie and force their thumbs into touch screen slave labor. Plain and simple, you’re living an awful existence hashtag T9.  If you really want your ex-girlfriend back you should start by texting her like a man. A changed man. A modern man. A man that hasn’t taken his thumb off his home screen since she left. But only if you really want her back. Not like she isn’t already dating someone that doesn’t text like they’re trying to read directions on chap stick.

Swype texting is to texting what speaker phone is to talking on the telephone. “I was just swype texting” is probably something I would say to a police officer with a straight face.  Not that I would need to though because I’m invisible when I swype text.  I can do it with my hands in my pockets. I could live tweet a field sobriety test and the cops wouldn’t know a thing. Off the record I’m writing this while driving. In a loaner car though because I got hit yesterday buy some jerk who was regular texting while driving. Which is a goddamn hazard to society.

 

Posted by natecraig on June 17, 2014 at 11:34 am Leave a response »

ENJOY THIS

These are two of my good friends being absolutely hilarious.

Posted by natecraig on January 31, 2014 at 4:14 pm Leave a response »

MAKE ART

Posted by natecraig on January 6, 2014 at 3:14 am Leave a response »
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THIS SHIT IS WILD

 

Posted by natecraig on Thursday, December 8th, 2011 at 7:18 pm Comments Off