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FRONT PAGE JOKES

The Duke men’s basketball team lost to rival North Carolina this week costing them a share of the ACC conference title.  However, in a blowout, the Blue Devils did repeat as world champions of face-paint.

The Indianapolis Colts released Peyton Manning following 4 off-season neck surgeries.  Because when your salary is $28 million dollars, what doesn’t kill you makes you a free agent.

After 13 seasons, 9 pro-bowls, 4 MVPs and a Superbowl Championship the Indianapolis Colts released Peyton Manning following 4 off-season neck surgeries.  The franchise said it wants to focus on winning the Republican nomination for President.

Newt Gengrich won his home state of Georgia on “Super Tuesday”, or as it’s known in Georgia “Fat Tuesday Observed”.

Vladimir Putin was elected President of Russia with %64 of the vote.  Putin said that that number would have been much higher if voters could have voted after they saw how good he is at deciding elections.

Drug addict and deaf talk radio host Rush Limbaugh called women on birth control “whores” this week.  Social conservatives blindly accepted his irrational drivel.  Liberals condemned the comments as hateful and dangerous.  Women reacted with sadness and disgust and Men reacted by continuing to enjoy their girlfriend’s vaginas.

Gas prices are near $4/gallon and republicans are saying that president Obama doesn’t understand how average Americans are being effected because he’s a cultural elite that “walks to work”.

Gas prices are near $4/gallon and republicans are blaming president Obama because when the price of oil goes up its because demand is up, because his economic-strategies-to-improve-the-economy-that-wont-work are working, and he isn’t doing anything about it.

An Egyptian lawmaker was expelled from his party this week for getting a nose job.  He said his bandages were from being beaten by “masked gunmen”.  Members of his ultraconservative Al Nour party consider plastic surgery a sin, but added that ‘the gunmen’ did really nice work.

Hackers stole the ID information of over 150 NASA employees, and now their personal information could be leaked onto the internet months before they were going to have to start looking for a new job.

In Milwaukee Wisconsin, seeing the sights now may include a $30 walking tour of the south side bars that Jeffery Dahmer used to frequent.  Kids get fruit flavored chloroform rags and at the end of the tour everyone gets a piece of jerky shaped like their favorite body part.

Airlines are making overhead compartments bigger, because baggage fees have resulted in more carry-on bags.  The new compartments are free, but if you bring a bag on the plane that doesn’t fit in them, your bag gets your seat and you have to stand in the isle with the tall people.

Former All-Star center-fielder Lenny Dykstra was sentenced to 3 years in prison for Grand Theft Auto.  Which is a much softer punishment than the last time Lenny did something wrong.

Posted by natecraig on Wednesday, March 7th, 2012 at 4:30 pm No Comments »